Mission KONA Accomplished...postpartum?

Well folks....its been a while. I am sorry that i have been in hiding. What a season. what a journey. Its been hard for me. the ups and the downs. serious downs. I felt like i had worked so hard for so long for something...(my kona slot) and then when I finally got it---I wasn't sure how i felt! I just COULD NOT IMAGINE doing the distance again. it was so hard for me. I was TOTALLY spent. I didnt want to do anything but sleep. I was so tired. all the time. My recovery was terrible. I am sorry that this is depressing--but I KNOW that you all can relate in some way or another. It was really the first time in my life that I had just had enough. enough was enough....my body was drained. I mentally couldnt get back into it. I knew i had Timberman approaching and I couldn't even get myself excited for it. As it turned out...I had a smoking bike--felt just incredible--and by the time i got to the run-I let the demons get to me. Mentally i just didnt have it. My legs felt like they were at mile 12 at mile 6 and i just quit. i turned my chip in. I totally failed myself. Looking back on it---i think i realize that beyond all the exhaustion--it wasn't my legs that failed. it was simply my mind. i just wasn't mentally ready to finish that race. I let the voices get in my brain and i didnt fight. YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD ON THE RUN> >>>IT WILL ALWAYS HURT. its mentally overcoming the pain. I focused on it. i broke the cardinal rule. I quit. and i learned a painful lesson. I will NEVER ever quit again. I messed up my head worse. I made excuses to myself that the race didn't mean anything and i wouldn't be able to recover for hawaii. thats a load of shit and its an excuse and i know it now. the race may not have meant anything...but if you live your life like that and race every race like that then you will never ever win. Reality is...if i kept going--i would have gotten a clearwater slot. I will miss going again this year...but i think i know that i could never repeat 2007 this year. Mentally....im cooked.
So Hawaii prep began...it was hard. I made a big big mistake my not keeping a journal. I dont know why I was avoiding........i was totally avoiding being accountable. can we say CLASSIC OVERTRAINED?? yes. we are crazy triathletes...literally. So I prepared the best i could at the time...looking back-it wasn't the best i could. Nevertheless...i was really really really anxious about the unknown of kona. but i decided to just roll with it. just go with it and enjoy being there and enjoy my first experience in hawaii. looking back...that is the dumbest idea ever....there is NOTHING to enjoy about sucking in Kona. there is NOTHING to enjoy unless you are a total masochist. Kona is no friggin joke. it isnt enjoyable. if you arent ready you will be eaten up. it is hard. so hard. so long. so hot. there is no mercy. again....IT IS NO JOKE.

so when i got the island i began to feel better about it but i wasn't sure still. i wasnt sure if i was ready. i questioned everything. but i couldnt help but be totally excited about being part of it. i was so hard on myself...not sure if i was even worthy of being there. everyone was so fit. soooo fit. and i just felt like an overcooked chicken.

Race day came. it was different. i didn't feel the spark. I swam off course...went totally wide of the buoys and had to swim against the current for almost 25 min. I was nearly last out of the water. it was going to be a long hot day. i kept my cool. took my time. got my ass on my bike and rode out of town....alone...ashmaed...and way the hell behind any of my competitors. I felt good for a while on the bike until the winds picked up.....and the heat became a reality...and the black emptiness of the island got in my head. it was so hot. i was so alone out there. i tried to keep in good spirits. it was tough. the winds were so heavy. blowing people right across the road. it took everything in my power to stay in the saddle. i was legitimately scared. The way back from hawi took forever. and ever. right when i thought i would get a tail wind...i was totally out of luck. it just kept blowing me. for hours.

I got back in town and the run was on. my upper body was so tired. i was so hot. i was so tired. i couldnt believe i had to run this. if i let the demons get me i would be screwed. i kept running....just being respectful of the distance. nice and easy....quick cadence. hitting every aid station but NEVER stopping. i was just trying to do the math in my head and i just wanted to break 4hours on the run. if nothing else...i wanted to prove to myself after timberman that i could do it. i was NOT WALKING no way no how not a friggin chance in hell. i saw my mother at mile 8. i grabbed her hand. she gave me instant strength and i pushed on and committed to the task at hand. i didnt feel too bad...i got myself in the zone and just pushed on. one foot in front of the other. everyone was walking around me...it felt good to pass people...FINALLY. By the time i got out to the queen k--the sun was setting. i entered the energy lab at mile 17...i was prepared to go the three miles within it and get the hell out...what could be the longest 3 miles of your life if you arent mentally prepared. When i got out...i was just shy of mile 20 and it was pitch black. PITCH black. no moon nor stars...the gases from the volcano keep the night sky black. you couldnt see anything...not even the mile markers. it was so humbling. i just pushed on. i had NO idea my pace cause i couldnt see my watch. I knew i was at mile 25 when i turned off the highway...i could hear mike reilly calling everyone in....i became super emotional. its so hard to cry and well up in that state cause your chest gets so tight. it was still so dark and the people started to pick up in volume along the course. right before i made the turn on alii drive a man called out to me..."when you turn this corner your life is about to change". i totally lost it...i rounded into alii drive and under the ironman arch and i was in the finish chute. so many people...so bright...SO LOUD....so exciting!!!! i COULDNT believe it. it was the most exciting moment of my life...thousands of supporters cheering for me...i could see the finish line in front of me...i could see my family. simply amazing. i was so happy. every finish line has a happy ending. it was ALLLL worth it.

looking back i see everything that i could do differently. i have a new respect for Kona. I will be back. It WILL be different. I am postpartum...a bit. But excited to enjoy some time off for now. I am going to take some serious weeks of down time. Start up my game again in late November/Dec. I have a totally new outlook on our sport. kona is so humbling. The game is on for next year. I will respect it all so much more. respect the distance. respect the prep.

Thank you for following me. I know that this story hasn't been cheerful...but there is a very happy ending. i earned that hardware. i will earn it again. i may disappear for a few more weeks before i post again. i am eager for your thoughts. i am eager to hear your stories.

Anything is possible. CKC. i was the only one. I made it. I qualified. I dreamed of alii drive and the Queen K. It ALL became real. I lived my dream last week. It was far better then I ever thought. As I wrote in the past...when you believe. REALLY BELIEVE. anything is possible.